What to do if your teen says, "I don't know," every time you try to start a conversation.
We all know we should spend time talking to our kids, but many of us do not know where to begin. We feel we are doing our job as a parent by asking them questions about their life, but we get tired of hearing the proverbial "I don't know."

The problem is not that your young person does not know. The problem is not that you did not ask the right question. The problem is the lack of a wholesome relationship. Many parents go for the jugular vein right away in trying to figure out what is going on with their young people. We ask the "Big Kahuna" questions.

What your teen is really saying in their "I don't know" response is that they don't know if they want to tell you, not that they don't know the answer. Of course, young people go through phases where they genuinely do not know how they feel or what they think about certain situations.

Most young people and parents live in two different worlds. Some young people say:
"I say 'I don't know' every time my parents try to start a conversation with me. They ask me what is wrong and I don't want to tell them because I don't want to hurt them."

"I wish my parents would say that I can tell them anything and they would listen to me until I am done; that they want to help me tell them what is going on in my life and that they want to be close to me."

One teen's explanation for the "I don't know" problem:
"Sometimes I don't even feel like I want to discuss stuff because I don't want to get in a fight. Sometimes it's just better not to bring it up."

In a recent study, a group of teenagers identified several points they regard as important when their parents talk with them.

• Tell us you love us even if we act like we don't want to
  hear it.
• If we have a major problem, help us solve it. Don't solve it for us. If you do, we'll never learn how to function as adults.
• Never stop talking to us. You're the only ones we can count on for reassurance and love.

A few tips for getting through this area:

• Before you go for the jugular, talk about peripheral
  issues. Talk about other things they are interested in, such as sports, movies, or music. Develop a relationship rather than demanding them to tell you the answer to some big important question. Your young person will do anything to protect their emotions and feelings from being slammed. They are normal human beings who want to know that someone cares about them - not just their problems or one area of their life. Have great patience in developing a warm enough relationship so that when you ask a question, you will be less likely to hear, "I don't know."
  
• Listen to conversations they bring up. Listen to what they talk about and use that to lead you into a deeper conversation with them. If they are talking about a certain event that just happened, don't change the subject. Ask them simple questions to show you are interested. "How did you feel when they said that to you?" "What were you thinking when such and such happened to you?" Asking questions will show them you care about what they have to say. By asking heart-oriented questions about whatever they are talking about - whether it is friends, music, school, or a new movie - you will work your way into their heart.
  
  Always have your ear tuned in to statements that come from their heart. Look for every conversation to tell you something about their heart and what is going on in their mind - not because you are a giant probe, but because you constantly have your radar sensors looking for information that reveals what makes them tick and how they are really feeling. When they sense you care about them in that way, you are going to hear the response "I don't know" less and less.
  
  One young person said:
• "If I would say anything other than, 'I don't know,' it would turn into a big argument with my mom. I wish she would just understand me and not bother me."


Be careful how you respond to both the good and bad news your teen brings to you. Have they ever experienced a great victory at school or on their team, and as they excitedly tell you, you say, "Oh that's great," as you continue to read the paper? Or have they brought home some really heartbreaking news that may not sound very upsetting to you, but may have been devastating for them? Do not patronize them with, "Oh, that's too bad."

Sometimes parents blow up when they hear bad news - they get angry, cuss, lose their temper, and scream. Deciding to control your attitude and your words toward your young person is a big step in getting through the "I don't knows."

Remember, they are really saying, "I don't know how you are going to respond. I don't know if I want to see how you are going to respond." You ask them a question and they tell you, "I don't know," because they are tired of either getting no response or one that barks down their throat. Take a deep breath and control your heart, mind, and emotions on a daily basis with your young person. They'll be able to see that you are not set off by a little spark and they don't have to walk on eggshells around you. As a result, when you ask the important questions, they'll be more likely to be straightforward and honest.


• If your teen answers a question with, "I don't know," ask them, "What would you say if you did know?" It causes them to rethink the issue. The fact is they do know. Sometimes they are simply not in touch with how they feel or what they think. You would be amazed at how often they will actually come back with a response if you use a simple little conversation starter.
  
  Source: Rescue Manual For Parents by Ron Luce.
  Excerpt permission granted by Albury Publishing