There are, unfortunately, many young people today being brought up in homes where there is a lot of unhappiness...homes that have been devastated by alcohol and drugs...homes filled with neglect and abuse...homes absent from any expression of love and caring.
Children raised in these unhealthy backgrounds grow up to be adults who are filled with insecurities and emotional instability. They're filled with emotions they don't know how to handle and this inner turmoil makes them feel like they're downing. These people are highly motivated to latch onto another person in the hopes they will be able to heal their broken and hurting soul.
Just about that time, a cute little blonde "life preserver" floats by. That drowning person latches out and grabs that life preserver and clutches it with all their worth. And this cute little blonde perceives this attention as true love. She thinks all this "clutching" is love, the story-book kind, and she's found her knight in shining armor. Eventually, they get married.
A few months later, she gets out of bed one morning and says, "Please! Will you cut me some slack here? Can you give me a little room? You're clutching me so tightly I can't even breathe!" This pain-filled man interprets this as rejection...he goes "tilt."
I cannot tell you the number of times we have seen this problem in marriages. If you're experiencing a lot of emotional pain from past hurts, don't look to marriage to heal your broken heart and hurting soul. There is not one person who is qualified or capable of healing your wounds. There is only one person who can and His name is Jesus.
Healing for the Wounded Soul
I have noticed a particular mentality in Christians and I can't figure out why it is. Maybe it's not talked about enough. Christians, Charismatics in particular, will believe God to heal their body if they need some sort of physical healing. Yet it doesn't even enter their mind to believe God to heal their wounded soul.
God is just as interested in healing your soul as He is in healing your body. Jesus said in Luke 4:18:
The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; he hath sent me to heal the broken-hearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised.The Amplified Bible says it this way, "Those who are downtrodden, bruised, crushed, broken down by calamity...."
(Luke 4:18)
If you've ever been broken down in your emotions by circumstances or situations in life, Jesus came to deliver you. Jesus is the one who heals your broken and wounded soul. Your marriage partner cannot heal your brokenness.
Jesus' work on the cross made you whole...spirit, soul and body. Jesus provided healing not only for your body, but for your soul as well. You don't have to suffer with broken and wounded emotions. Jesus is the one who heals us when we renew our minds to His Word. He and He alone can heal your broken and wounded soul (Isa. 53:3-4).
Another important part of your healing process is doing what Paul says in Philippians 3:13, "forgetting those things which are behind." You have to forget the past. Quit reliving in your mind those things that have hurt you.
Perhaps there have been things that have transpired in your marriage that have been very painful. If you don't want them to affect your future, you're going to have to put them behind you so you can begin "reaching forth to that which is before you."
If you're a single person, don't look to marriage as the solution for your brokenness. Get whole before you get married. Then your marriage will have a stronger chance to thrive.
Exposing Myth Number Three
Let's go on to the next myth: "Marriage is the door to your happiness." This is somewhat related to expecting your spouse to heal your broken and hurting soul. Much of our unhappiness is related to our own failures and shortcomings.
If you're a spiteful, bitter single person, you will be a spiteful, bitter married person. If you're a lust-filled tormented and impatient single person, you will be a lust-filled, tormented and impatient married person.
The point is: marriage cannot change your character or personality. Too many people have unrealistic, almost miraculous, expectations for marriage to somehow alter their personality.
The only thing that makes the old man pass away and enables you to put on the new man is by renewing your mind to the Word of God. The Bible doesn't say "put off the old man by getting married." It says put off the old man be the renewing of the mind.
You need to learn who you are in Christ Jesus by looking into the "mirror of the Word" - the Bible. Only then will your mental image of yourself begin to change.
Let's talk about happiness for a moment. Happiness is nothing more than an emotional response to a momentary external stimuli. It is dependent on the circumstance of the moment.
Now think about this: How foolish is it to expect your spouse to be the source of all your external and momentary stimuli throughout the day so you can feel happy? It's absurd! And yet that's the expectation many people have.
If you're in Christ, you have something that far surpasses momentary, circumstantial happiness. It is called the joy of the Lord. The joy of the Lord is the product of the seed of God's Word sown in the soil of the human heart. As the seed of God's Word is planted in your heart, it will take root and produce a joy that isn't dependent on momentary circumstance. Joy is a fruit of the spirit.
The Bible says the joy of the Lord is your strength (Neh. 8:10). The Lord's deep abiding joy will strengthen you when you go through difficult circumstances. Your spouse can't be your source of joy for you. It's wrong to expect them to be your source of joy and happiness.
Summary
I heard a saying about "the math of marriage" and it goes like this: one sinner plus another sinner equals double trouble. And if you add a few little "sinner-lings" running around, you've quadrupled the trouble. Marriage doesn't cure any problems.
The solution to loneliness, brokenness and happiness is in the Word of God and your relationship with Jesus Christ. If you remove those unrealistic expectations, you will have a chance to bloom.
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