Then all of a sudden, something happens. At about 12 or 13 years of age, it's as though a timer has gone off that has told your child they need to make their own decisions. This little child you cuddled in your arms for years now thinks they have the right and the wisdom to make their own decisions. With their shoulders back and head held high, they inhale and say, "After all, I have lived 13 long years on this earth. I ought to make my own decisions."
Most parents respond with something like, "As long as you are in my house, you are going to do it my way!" It becomes a perpetual argument in the home as to who gets their way. Parents feel they are doomed to fight the battle of teenage rebellion for the next five to six years. "Why are they so rebellious? Why do they fight me on every little thing?"
In dealing with rebellion, we first need to ask ourselves a couple of questions. First, how frequent and intense is the rebellion? According to Kathleen McCoy, Ph.D., "Normal rebellion is sporadic. There are moments of sweetness, calm, and cooperation between outbursts. If on the other hand, rebellion is constant and intense, this can be a sign of underlying emotional problems."1 Second, is this behavior change drastic for my teenager? Normal rebellious behavior develops over time; but if it is a drastic thing where their behavior is completely reverse of what it was, that may be a sign of a deeper problem.
Obviously, there are different stages of rebellion. Some are just minor things like, "I want my own way!" Some teens have an emotionless attitude of resistance and a hardened heart that says, "I don't care what you say or do, I'm going to do my own thing!"
Let's look at a few principles that will help you understand where your young person is coming from. One of the most important is that rules without relationship equals rebellion. As one young lady said, "One of the worst things my parents have done is give me a 'no' answer, without explaining why."
Most parents think the rightful responsibility of a parent is to provide food and a roof over their teen's head without developing much of a relationship with them. As a result, your young person might as well be living in a boarding school - just a place to live with a bunch of rules. When asked about a rule, most parents never explain the reason for it. "Because I say so, that is why!" Many times parents don't even know why they have that rule. Their parents had that rule, and if it was good enough for them, it's good enough for their kids.
I can remember when my mom told me that people shouldn't have sex outside of marriage. I was probably 13 or 14-years-old and I had never heard that before. I had never heard it was wrong. I asked, "Why is it wrong?" She replied, "Just because it is." In an innocent, not condemning way, I said, "Well, you did." She said, "Well, that was different."
Kids want to know the why of the rules and understand the reasons behind them. That is why it is important to understand the principles in this book. But in addition to that, your young person needs to know the person who is implementing the rules.
Many companies are run better than some families. Even companies have reasons for their rules. A wisely run company has relationships between managers and subordinates that are more than just "Do what I say!" A wise manager cares about the personal lives of the people they supervise. Let it not be said that a company down the street cares more about their employees and knows more about what is going on in their lives than we know about our own teenagers!
When your teen feels forced to obey a rule but feels that you do not know them or care about them, it produces a rebellious attitude that says, "You don't care about me, so I don't care about your stupid rules. I'm going to do what I want to do!"
One of the biggest goals as a parent is to have a final product of young adults who are responsible, productive members of society, church, and the kingdom of God. It's never been our dream for our kids to be sitting on our couch, eating chips, and watching television when they are 35 years old. We want them to be responsible, and they begin to get the itch for responsibility when they are teenagers. They want to have some of their own "say-so" regarding their lives.
Your young person wants to be able to make some of his or her own decisions. They don't want to be dictated to anymore. Even though you may still see them as young and not knowing what to do or where to go, they see themselves as quite skilled in life and wanting to have some control of their destiny.
Some parents are like an iron fist, "As long as you're in my house, I am going to make the decisions. Just do it this way!" This approach doesn't give their young person a chance to make any decisions or learn responsibility. Other parents go to the other extreme, and say, "Well, I can't really do anything about it anyway, so I let them do what they want to do." Neither approach is very wise.
Your young person's need for responsibility is the need to be able to say, "I made this decision and I realize it was a good decision." If you make all the decisions while your child lives under your roof, they will never understand and learn how to make decisions on their own.
If you tell them not to drink simply because "I say so" and force them not to do it, they'll go on a drinking binge when they go to college. You'll wonder, "Why? What did I do? They never drank when they were under my roof." Maybe you didn't teach them how to make the best decisions while they were under your roof, so when they were faced with making the decision on their own, they didn't know how to deal with all the pressures.
A teen's desire to be given responsibility may be perceived as rebellion. But just because your young person wants to make their own decisions in life doesn't mean they are rebellious - it means they are starting to grow up! Give them some opportunities to make decisions about what they do with their free time. It doesn't mean you let them make decisions about everything. Start out with small decisions, such as spending the night at a friend's house even though they need to study for a test. You know they have a test, they say they've already studied, but your inclination would be to make them stay home and study more. Give them the opportunity to decide what is best.
Once they show themselves faithful in these small opportunities by making good decisions, you can allow them to make bigger decisions. The goal is getting them to make all their own decisions before they ever leave the house. I know parents who have said they don't have any rules for their 14-year-old children because they make all the right decisions on their own. "I tell them they can stay out as late as they want. And they always come in at 10:00 p.m. because they have learned to be responsible while they were young."
Children need rules. Adults need responsibility. Adolescents need advice. We know we have to set very strong and clear rules for children or they will not have any structure in their lives. We just discussed the adult's need for responsibility that they start thirsting for when they are young. Think about the first job you ever had. You were so excited to be making your own money. You were thrilled over the responsibility that was yours. That yearning for taking responsibility for your own life started when you were a teenager. What do teenagers need? They don't need just a bunch of rules, nor do they need all the responsibility to decide everything about their lives. Meet somewhere in the middle by giving them wise advice.
Take the situation about the teen who wants to spend the night at a friend's house, but has a test the next day. You tell them, "This is my advice. I think you need to stay home and study for your test. But I'm not going to tell you what to do. I will let you make your own decision on this." So you let them make their own decision. If they made a great decision, either to stay home or to spend the night, and got an A on the test, you can let your chest swell. "You're a chip off the old block. I knew you would make the right decision." If they made a bad decision, it is important how you respond. Do not slam them, put them down, or make them feel like a nothing. You're the one who gave them the chance to make the decision.
Your young person will make some bad decisions. They're a teenager. They're a young person. One of our biggest tasks is to teach our young people how to make wise decisions. We do that by giving them advice. Say you gave your teen advice but they didn't take it. They went and spent the night and got an "F" on the test. Talk through that decision with them. "Let's talk about it. What made you want to go even though I advised you not to?" Listen to what they tell you. Then ask, "If you were in the same situation again, would you do the same thing? Why or why not? Look at all the people who got "F's" all the way through high school. Where are they today? Is that the kind of person you want to be?" The next time they get a chance to make a decision, give them advice and let them choose for themselves again.
There are going to be some decisions that you might let them make too early. The big question is, what decisions do you make for your young person and what decisions do you let them make? That is between you and God. Pray and find out from the Lord. Sometimes you'll say, "I'll let them make this decision," and you realize that maybe you shouldn't have. They are too young or not mature enough. Some young people are ready for certain decisions earlier than others. There is not a magical date and time to use as a deciding factor.
The next time that decision opportunity arises, you can say, "I'll make it for you this time. I was wrong and shouldn't have let you make it the first time." By the time they are 18, your young person should be weaned from having all their decisions made for them. They should be able to make almost all the decisions about their life in a mature, responsible way.
It is much better for them to make bad decisions under your protective umbrella, where you can go back and talk about the failure and how to do it right the next time, than for them to leave your house and make all the wrong decisions. Once out from your protective covering, they don't always seek your advice or care what you have to say about it. Instead of propping them up all the time to keep them from falling, allow them to make a few bad decisions. Then go back and talk through those issues so they can make better decisions for the rest of their life.
Excerpt permission granted by Albury Publishing
Ron Luce was the co-founder and president of Teen Mania Ministries from 1986-2015. Ron and his wife Katie dreamed to raise young people who would change the world. 
