"Let no man deceive you with vain or empty, meaningless words." (Eph. 5:6)

Manipulation isn't easy to identify, and we can destroy relationships without knowing it. Don't be deceived! If you look up the word manipulation in Webster's Dictionary, you'll find it basically means "to try to control someone by deceptive means."

The Bible doesn't actually use the word manipulation, but it talks about it a lot. For example, Ephesians 4:14 says, "That we henceforth be no more children, tossed to and fro, and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the sleight of men, and cunning craftiness, whereby they lie in wait to deceive."

Notice the word "deceive." It's an ingredient of manipulation. Paul warns us in Ephesians 5:6, "Let no man deceive you with vain or empty, meaningless words." The reason manipulators use deception to cover up their motives is they think they'll never get what they want if they really level with people. Meanwhile, the people they manipulate end up feeling confusion, anger, frustration and resentment, and may not even realize they're being manipulated. If the manipulation continues, trust will turn to distrust, and the relationship will collapse.

Friend, here's where we need to take a hint from God. He doesn't impose on our free wills, because He knows the truth - that we can't change people. All the manipulation in the world can't change people, because real, lasting change happens in our hearts, and it only happens as a result of God's Spirit interacting with our spirit.

Now don't misunderstand me. It's not wrong to try to get people to do something. Nor is it wrong to be used by God to bring a change in them. But we sin when we make changes happen - when we manipulate. To help you avoid manipulation, I want to show you three ways it surfaces in our day-to-day conversations.

Whose Baggage Are You Carrying?
The most common type of manipulation is the kind that imposes obligation on a person through condemnation or guilt. When someone comes up to you and says you should do this or you ought to do that —watch out! Those three words - should, ought, must - are three red flags warning you that manipulation is just ahead. They're usually followed by something the other person thinks is your responsibility. But the truth is, any obligation not based on God's Word is wrong - it's simply not yours.

An example of an obligation based on God's Word is to love. Jesus said love summarizes the whole law, and that covers a wide range. Take your spouse for example: Husbands are to love their wives as Jesus loves the Church; and wives are to honor their husbands as head of the household. But when a husband hears, "Honey, you should spend more time with the kids than you do. They hardly see you anymore, and they need their father," he's not hearing something that's rooted in the Word. You may think I'm splitting hairs, but I'm not.

Also, I'm not blind to the fact that his wife may be right. Nonetheless, she's manipulating her husband. Certainly he has responsibilities as a father, but she's putting guilt on him that will only stir frustration in him, eventually damaging their relationship.

She would be more honest with herself and her husband by saying, "Honey, I wish you would spend more time with the kids. I'm starting to feel like I'm raising them all by myself, and I think they need more time with you." See the difference?

There's another difference I need to point out here - the difference between condemnation and conviction. A man recently told me that he wanted to change churches. He said, "I want to go to a church where there's not so much pressure to do this or to do that." I knew for a fact that the pressure he was feeling was not coming from the pulpit, though he was being challenged to live by the Word - challenged to tithe, to minister, to witness for Jesus and make disciples.

The pressure that he said was coming from the pulpit was really the Holy Spirit convicting him to obey the Word preached from the pulpit. Condemnation, on the other hand, comes from obligation that is not rooted in the Word.

Beware of the Tear-Jerkers!
As humans, our souls have three parts: intellect - our thinker; will - our decider; and emotions - our feeler. When we go through the process of making decisions, we use all three parts, and I want to focus on the part our emotions play.

Though we don't base decisions on our emotions, they do reinforce our decisions by rallying behind them and giving us that extra drive we need to stick with them. The Bible says if we waver, we will not receive anything from the Lord. So we need to be firm in our decisions, and our emotions help us do just that.

But when someone tries to manipulate us, they're actually trying to get us to base our decision on our emotions, and so they play on our emotions. Have you ever been moved out of pity to do something for someone? If you did what they wanted, it wasn't out of godly compassion. And when I say that was wrong, I mean you were wrong. Sure, the manipulator was wrong, but you let it happen. You may have felt sorry for them, but if they keep it up, you'll find yourself feeling angry and resentful. And again, it can destroy your relationship. So be alert when someone starts playing on your emotions - it's manipulation.

Sharper Than Any Two-Edged Sword...Careful How You Use It
God sent His Word to set men free, but the third type of manipulation we'll see uses the Word to put men in bondage when they use the Word against each other.

It happens all the time, and it must be a stink to God's nostrils. Paul addresses this in 2 Corinthians 4:1-2: "Therefore seeing we have this ministry, as we have received mercy, we faint not; But have renounced the hidden things of dishonesty, not walking in craftiness, not handling the word of God deceitfully; but by manifestation of the truth commending ourselves to every man's conscience in the sight of God."

An example in my own life is an out-reach ministry of the church I pastor. We minister in our downtown area to a lot of street people. Sadly enough, many of these folks come into our facility with no intention of receiving the Gospel. Still, they'll come in quoting Scripture.

"The Bible says you're to give to the poor. I'm hungry and I need something to eat. I need this - I need that." They use God's Word to manipulate us for their own benefit. Another example that might hit closer to home, husbands, is when you tell your wife, "The Bible says that you're supposed to submit to me, so...." Then you go on to tell her what to do. You're manipulating her - you're using God's Word deceitfully. You may think, Yeah, but when she's off doing her own thing, how am I supposed to get her to do what I say without telling her?

First, repent of your manipulation and don't do it again. Then, love her as Christ loves the Church and it will happen automatically. It will flow and make your marriage glorious.

Either Way…Love Never Fails
Whether you've manipulated people or you've let them manipulate you, either case is wrong. How do you stop it? By speaking the truth in love - God's definition of good communication. (Eph. 4:15)

Love the people you've manipulated by giving them space to make their own choices without pressure from you. And, in love, confront those who have manipulated you. Tell them they're harming your relationship, but don't stop there. Take your love a step further by giving them what they wanted to begin with, if you can. Tell them you're doing it because you want to, because you love them.

Speaking the truth in love instead of attacking, defending or manipulating will improve our communication and build strong relationships. And that's our goal - to build the kind of relationships that God can use to minister to us and through us.

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