Discipline without consistency is confusing and frightening to a child. He never really knows what is expected of him. From one day to another, and rules change. So he grows up feeling insecure toward his parents and the world, and he has no respect for rules or authority.
Discipline without fairness is abusive and cruel. Being fair is something parents struggle with daily. Children have an inborn sense of justice. They know when they have been wronged. When our discipline is too severe for the wrong they have done, we hurt them instead of help them.
We have to make the punishment fit the child. What works for one child may be totally wrong for another child.
As an example, one couple we heard about has three children. The first two were typical kids when they were little. They got into trouble like all kids do, and a spanking or two was all it took to discipline them and set them on the right road.
Then their third child was born. This little boy had a strong will. They tried all the same things to discipline him, but nothing seemed to work. Even spanking him didn't work. It only made him more determined to have his own way.
They tried everything they knew to discipline him before they finally found out what worked. By simply being told how disappointed they were in his actions and being made to go to his room, the boy was quickly reduced to tears and true repentance.
Proverbs 22:6 from The Amplified Bible says, "Train up a child in the way he should go [and in keeping with his individual gift or bent], and when he is old he will not depart from it."
Your child's bent is his uniqueness, his personality, and his special talents. It's the thing that makes him different from every other child. So we are to train our children according to their individuality. Some kids are as tender and fragile as young plants. They can be easily bruised or even broken. And once the damage is done, it can't be undone. The smallest harsh word from Mom or Dad will break their hearts.
When you discipline this kind of child, you have to use a lot of sensitivity and tenderness.
Still other kids seem to be born wearing combat boots. You can talk to them, yell at them, spank them, and do everything you know to do, and still you wonder if it's making any difference. With these kids it takes some special time and effort to discover the best ways to discipline them.
Most children are somewhere in the middle. They have their good days and bad days. The key to knowing how to discipline them is in knowing them and spending time with them.
It's hard for parents to be fair all the time. In fact, it's almost impossible, but we have to try. This is why it's so important that we really know our kids. They are all different and they all change. What works for a child at one age may not work at another age.
The third ingredient of good discipline is love - the most important of all.
By disciplining without love, you are simply taking out your frustration and anger on your kids instead of doing what is best for them. Never discipline a child when you are angry or out of control. Even if that child has done wrong, disciplining him in anger will be doing more harm than good. Wait until you cool off before trying to deal with the situation.
God's Word says: "And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in nurture and admonition of the Lord" (Eph. 6:4).
Look at this verse in The Amplified Bible: "Fathers, do not irritate and provoke your children to anger - do not exasperate them to resentment - but rear them [tenderly] in the training and discipline and the counsel and admonition of the Lord."
This is the kind of discipline every parent should use. We must be consistent and fair in our discipline, and we must always discipline in love. We must do what the last part of this verse tells us to do: rear our children in the training and discipline of the Lord.
Excerpt permission granted by Harrison House Publishers