What do you see when you picture the word conflict? A boxing match? A time bomb ready to explode?
Religious tradition has taught us that conflict is a dirty word and that couples who get into conflict must not be “spiritual enough.”
This is NOT true! Conflict is a normal part of any marriage-the inevitable result of two different personalities put together.
To Fight Or Not to Fight
People respond to conflict in one of two ways:
- Fight
- Take flight (or avoid conflict)
Many Christian couples avoid conflict, because they think that all conflict leads to strife. NO! Avoiding conflict will lead to strife. You can only avoid conflict for so long until you eventually one day explode!
Fighting Right
So, how can you “fight right” in your marriage?
- Discover your “fighting style.”
When you fight, do you usually cry, yell, slam doors, give the silent treatment, get revenge, change the subject, etc…? - Attack the problem, NOT the person.
Distinguish between your spouse and the problem he/she is causing. Your spouse is not the problem; what he/she is doing is the problem.For example, if my husband is leaving messes around the house, the messes are the problem, not him.By attacking each other, neither of you will win. By attacking the problem as a team, both of you will win! Don’t compete – collaborate!
- Decide together how you can solve the problem.
- Avoid these destructive behaviors:
- Accusing
- Getting defensive
- Attacking/calling names
- Passive-aggressive
- Silent treatment
- Physical violence
- Saying “always” and “never”
Remember that conflict is not bad – unresolved conflict is!
Danny & Stephanie have served Latin America since 2011, serving in Peru for over 10 years on the pastoral staff and executive team of Camino de Vida, a vibrant church in the capital city of Lima.
Now based in Minnesota, they continue to serve pastors and their congregations throughout Latin America through consulting, resourcing, and retreats. Together they lead Footrock, a 501c3 with the purpose of creating spaces and opportunities for Latin American pastors and missionaries to find rest and meaningful relational connections.
They also speak at marriage conferences, events, and retreats in both North and South America, and in Asia (Jan 2024). Stephanie is also the host of the Modern Day Missions podcast for missionaries.