As a kid, I played basketball and was very competitive. I liked to win, and I hated losing. When I was in my early twenties, I went to a class reunion, where I played in a game against other former players from my high school team. We were all eager to prove we could still play at the same level, and it turned out to be a very physical game. Of course, I wanted to win, so I was very aggressive. After I knocked one opponent to the floor, he shouted in frustration, “Back off, it’s only a game!”
My reply: “Then let me win.”
I’m not exactly proud of that, but I think it shows how much most of us like to win. When we win, nothing hurts. But when we lose, everything is hard. And the only time you hear someone use the phrase “It’s only a game” is when that person is losing.
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As a kid, I played basketball and was very competitive. I liked to win, and I hated losing. When I was in my early twenties, I went to a class reunion, where I played in a game against other former players from my high school team. We were all eager to prove we could still play at the same level, and it turned out to be a very physical game. Of course, I wanted to win, so I was very aggressive. After I knocked one opponent to the floor, he shouted in frustration, “Back off, it’s only a game!”
My reply: “Then let me win.”
I’m not exactly proud of that, but I think it shows how much most of us like to win. When we win, nothing hurts. But when we lose, everything is hard. And the only time you hear someone use the phrase “It’s only a game” is when that person is losing.
Think of some of the losses in your life and how they made you feel. Not good, right? And it’s not just the pain of the moment that affects us. Our losses also cause us other difficulties. Here are two:
Losses Cause Us to Be Emotionally Stuck
Author and speaker Les Brown says, “The good times we put in our pocket. The hard times we put into our heart.” I have found that to be true in my life. In my heart I still carry some of the bad times. I bet you do, too. The negative experiences affect us more deeply than positive ones, and if you’re like me, you may get emotionally stuck.
It’s been said that if an ocean liner could think and feel, it would never leave its dock. It would be afraid of the thousands of huge waves it would have to encounter during its travels. Anxiety and fear can really damage the human heart. So can losses. They can weaken, imprison, paralyze, discourage, and sicken us. To be successful, we need to find ways to get unstuck emotionally.
Journal It!
Have you ever kept a journal? I’ve found that many very successful people do. I believe it’s because writing in a journal can help you think through your reactions to the things that happen to you. By journaling what you think and feel, you’re able to see a situation clearly and figure out what to do next. It allows you to get unstuck emotionally and move forward. I recommend that you keep a journal.
For your first journal entry, spend some time writing about your attitude on failure. Many people are really afraid of failure. How much do you fear it? When you do mess up, what feelings get stirred up? Anger? Sadness? Do you feel defeated? How hard is it for you to get unstuck and move forward?
Losses Cause Us to Be Mentally Defeated
Life is a series of losses. In childhood you lose your favorite toys. You get older and lose days dedicated to play and exploration. You lose the privilege of being irresponsible and carefree. Later, you’ll separate from the protection of your family as you leave the nest and take on adult responsibilities. Over the course of your adult life, you’ll lose jobs and positions. Your self-esteem may take a beating. You may lose money. You’ll miss opportunities. Friends and family may die or move on. All along, everyone’s life is filled with loss. Some losses are great; some are small. And the losses we face affect how we think. Some people handle losing well, while others don’t.
Too often losing can go to your head. It can defeat you, and you might have trouble coming up with solutions to your challenges. As the losses build up, they become more of a burden. You probably regret the losses of yesterday. And you fear the losses of tomorrow.
But here’s the thing: We want success, but we should train for losses. We need to expect mistakes, failures, and losses in life, since each of us will face many of them. But we need to take them as they come, not allow them to build up. As printer William A. Ward said, “Man, like a bridge, was designed to carry the load of the moment, not the combined weight of a year all at once.”
Q: What was one of your biggest losses growing up?
A: It was my junior year of high school. I was on the varsity basketball team, and we were expected to do really well. People were saying that we could win the state championship. We just had a lot of talent on the team. But we didn’t win the championship. We didn’t even come close. It was devastating and discouraging for me, but I learned something big from it. Our team had failed because the juniors and seniors didn’t get along. So we didn’t work together. What I learned was the importance of teamwork—even more than talent— in winning. The next year, as a senior, I did my part in making us a unified team. And as a result, we played much better— even though the amount of talent was less.
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John Maxwell grew up in the 1950s in the small Midwestern city of Circleville, Ohio. John's earliest childhood memory is of knowing that he would someday be a pastor. He professed faith in Christ at the age of three, and reaffirmed that commitment when he was 13. At age 17, John began preparing for the ministry. He attended Circleville Bible College, earning his bachelor's degree in 1969. In June of that same year, he married his sweetheart, Margaret, and moved to tiny Hillham, Indiana, where he began his first pastorate.
While serving in his second church, Maxwell began to study the correlation between leadership effectiveness and ministry effectiveness. On July 4, 1976, while preaching at a service commemorating America's bicentennial, John sensed that God was calling him into a ministry to pastors. Within days after that event, pastors began to contact him, asking for his assistance in nurturing their churches. Over the next four years, on an informal basis, John helped scores of fellow pastors. Then, in 1980, he was asked to become Executive Director of Evangelism for the Wesleyan denomination.
Though his time at Wesleyan headquarters was productive, John soon realized that his deeper desire was to help pastors from numerous denominations. He knew that desire would be unfulfilled if he were to stay at denominational headquarters. As a result, in 1981 John accepted the call to return to the pastorate, this time at Skyline Wesleyan Church in the San Diego, California area. But he did so with the church's blessing to pursue his vision. The Skyline congregation allowed him to continue mentoring and assisting pastors even as he led them to new levels.
In 1985, as he continued to equip and encourage other pastors, John took the next crucial step in leadership development. He founded a new company called INJOY and created the INJOY Life Club, featuring a monthly tape for leaders. The fledging operation, established in the corner of a garage, was soon bursting at the seams. The INJOY Life Club tapes were received with great enthusiasm, and the number of subscriptions quickly increased from hundreds to thousands. Simultaneously, the demand for other resources and seminars exploded. Pastors from coast to coast were responding, and their desire for help was even greater than John had anticipated.
As the years passed, INJOY began demanding more and more of John's time. In 1995, he resigned from his position as senior pastor at Skyline following a very fruitful 14-year tenure. The church had tripled in size and its lay ministry involvement had increased ten-fold. Dr. Maxwell is in great demand today as a speaker. Through his bestselling books, audio and video resources, and major conferences, he communicates directly with more than one million people every year. He is frequently asked to speak for organizations such as Promise Keepers and Focus on the Family, but his greatest joy and desire is to help pastors become better leaders.
Because the need for leadership development knows no borders, John established EQUIP, a non-profit organization which trains leaders in urban communities, academic institutions, and within international organizations. EQUIP is also spearheading a movement which has enlisted more than one million pastoral prayer partners who covenant to pray specifically for those who shepherd God's flock.
John continues to seek new opportunities to help churches and church leaders. He knows that one thing is constant: the only hope for the world is salvation through the Lord Jesus Christ, who gives life abundantly.